Cancer Duds

I'm not the pink girl in the family. That's Kerry's role.

Those of you who know me from twitter know Kerry as daughter 2.0 and Kate as daughter 3.0. Kate's all clear and at the same time deep and gem-like, with sharp edges and different blends of color showing in different lights. She's a Tiffany blue of a daughter if ever there was one.

But Kerry started out perky and pink and bright and colorful and wowza. If she could have been born wearing a pink feather boa she would have arranged it. And - God help us all - she's never outgrown it. She's now the mother of two and it's gotten worse.

She can afford to support her own pink habit at this point, so she even has a pink vacuum.

I'm the deep green one in the family but today my first cancer duds came in the mail from the breast cancer site and Kerry will just have to take a back seat.

I'm wearing pink.

In the wee hours of Sunday night, after I'd had two full days of knowledge rattling around in my brain, and enough time to have things sink in a little, I think what happened was that I needed to order something indicating that I'm a patient.

I needed to take an active step to confirm it in my own mind. It was a step on the road to acknowledging the words:

I have cancer

So I've draped this nice soft hug of a 20 inch wide, 6 foot long scarf/wrap around my shoulders as I sit propped in bed writing this. The shawl will turn into a scarf but only after my granddaughter is used to seeing me with it draped around nana on a regular basis.

What I thought initially was that wearing an outward symbol would allow me to start the conversation with people I interact with. But as it turns out the gesture might be primarily for me.

Comments

[Keith Burtis]

Hi Susan, first off let me start with the words..."I Love you" I am going to offer you an opinion and thats all I really can give as I have never had cancer myself, and I have never had to look in the mirror and feel that I had to take inventory. That being said.......I wish you wouldn't embrace the "Cancer" and remember that I am coming from a position of love and not a position of conflict in any way.

Susan, I truly believe that disease cannot live in a truly unwilling being. The cancer is something else...it's an old issue, an old injury, or an old idea that has germinated to what you now call your cancer. Release that germ Susan...even if it means going through the traditional channels...you cannot be beaten....this does not own you and foremost you cannot "Own" it.

Get out of the house, break your routine, and take some time to let you heal you. In your mind Susan this germ is on a journey...it is passing through you to teach you a lesson that needs to be learned and only you know what lesson that is. The sooner you embrace the learning, the learning about yourself, the sooner this germ can leave. It will no longer have a lesson to share with you.

Please Susan, don't embrace the cancer when you look in the mirror. When you look in the mirror see that healthy vibrant person that we all know and love. Embrace the person you know you are...embrace the little girl that played in the yard, embrace the grandmother playing with her grandchildren, please Susan...Embrace and feel Life.

We all love you
Keith

[Connie Reece]

Keith, I have to disagree. Cancer is cancer, not some old issue or injury or idea. That said, Susan can still embrace life and herself while battling a disease. You're right that the disease doesn't own her, but it's going to play a huge role in her life in the coming months and denying the reality of it helps nothing. The good thing is that Susan will have all of us to love her and encourage her and help her in ways we haven't even figured out yet.

Susan, I love the fact that you bought something beautiful and special to mark your diagnosis -- and that it's something you already envision a use for beyond the struggle with cancer. That new grandbaby's first memories of her nana will be PINK ... and, well, you know how much I like pink. :)

Hugs -- Connie

[Cathryn Hrudicka]

Susan,

I am very moved, seeing the lovely design and typography on this blog, and the way you have so thoroughly researched the type of cancer and explained it to us in a previous post. I'm amazed and moved by how you are able to accept that a disease has invaded your body, but you are still so deeply in touch with who you are, and you are willing to share with us the difficult process you are living with. That takes incredible courage and strength.

Having known many people who have had different types of cancer, of different ages and backgrounds, I would say that I definitely do not think they all had "issues" any more than any of the rest of us. While I do think emotional issues can cause stress that affects our bodies in different ways, there are many other factors involved in cancer that medical science has not totally discovered yet. There are suggestions that there may be environmental causes, or causes that may have to do with our food sources, exposure to toxins and chemicals, and co-factors, i.e., two or more factors that work together to cause the cancer. It just isn't a simple disease, and people who are struggling with cancer should not have to feel guilt-ridden or anxious with feelings of "what did I do to cause this," which is even more stressful and could possibly be harmful for them.

You are loved by those who know you well, and your process in dealing with the cancer is going to be your own, as it should be. You know yourself best.:-) Just know we are all here with you, so you need not be lonely, no matter what you are feeling at any given moment. Please let us know how we can help you and what you really need.

Cathryn Hrudicka/Creative Sage(tm)

[Kelley Burrus]

Whatever it is, wherever it is--kick it ass and tell it to take a hike.

The way you process this will be uniquely YOURS and no one else's. I suspect by creating this blog, you already know the power of connection and the healing potential it possesses.

Your grace is shining through and I for one will be standing close as witness. Your words resonate.

Thanks for sharing your journey.

[Keith Burtis]

Susan, I in no way wanted you to question what you did to cause this. I only wish for anyone to embrace life. I am just saying in my own way the same thing Kelley is. Kick it's ass. It's not at home with you, and send it on it's way. There's no home for Cancer within you. Too much love and too much beauty for it to make a home with you.
Keith

[QofS]

As someone who no longer has a thyroid, and as the daughter of someone who no longer has a thyroid, and as the aunt of someone who no longer has a thyroid, can I just say that some parts of your body you just don't need anymore.

Soon we'll have drinks and compare scars. I'll even bring sweet peas.

[Susan Reynolds]

You are all so much appreciated for sharing your thoughts and feelings here, and for wishing the best for me in my journey.